I know I shouldn't complain and I feel guilty for even saying this, but sometimes I feel like I'm just not cut out to be a mom. When we decided to have a baby, I knew my life would change and I was ok with that. I just was not prepared for how completely it would change. I wasn't prepared to completely leave my old life behind, I thought that I could just add a baby into it. But I've come to realize it just doesn't work that way. I love Emily more than anything, and I wouldn't trade her, but sometimes I have a really hard time being a mom.
Sometimes I just want to be able to sleep in past 7 a.m. or eat my meals in peace instead of having to rush through them in 30 seconds. Sometimes I want to go to the store without having to wrestle a wiggly child who just wants to climb out of the cart or go out to dinner without having to worry about a baby who is constantly throwing food across the room. Sometimes I want to enjoy a meal with people without having to leave early or eat my dinner cold after everyone is done because I was feeding the baby while everyone else was eating. Sometimes I get jealous of other babies who seem to be completely content sitting calmly or don't go ballistic when they miss a nap or can fall asleep anywhere. Sometimes I feel left out when my friends go on trips or do other fun things I love to do and I'm not invited anymore. Sometimes I feel sad when I try to make friends but no one will come to things I invite them to. Sometimes I just want to go to church without chasing a cranky baby down the aisles. Sometimes I feel sad and left out when I have to stay behind when everyone else gets to go do something. Sometimes I get bored reading the same book over and over again or going up and down the stairs 20 times a day.
And then I feel completely guilty for thinking those things. Which makes it even worse. I wish those thoughts would just go away.