Friday, December 18, 2009

The Island of Misfit Toys

Can someone please tell me how to be a good married friend? Sometimes I feel like such a misfit. It seems like once you get married, it is SO hard to make friends. Or keep your old ones for that matter. It seems like people in your ward don't really want to be your friend, because they are too busy with their own families and stuff. No one from our neighborhood has even come to visit us or introduce themselves or welcome us to the neighborhood or anything. Plus, I am one of two women in my ward who does not have children. So it seems like all the other ladies get together for play groups and temple trips and stuff during the day when I am at work so they all know each other and are friends, but only because their kids are friends. And Enrichment is usually on Wednesday nights, when I have class. I know I need to be better at reaching out, but it's hard to do that when you feel like the outsider.

The other day I went visiting teaching and the lady was complaining about her kids and you could tell she was frustrated and that it was a totally bad time for us to be there, and I didn't know what to say or do. So the other lady kept telling her it was normal and stuff and I just sat there feeling awkward like I didn't belong there or have anything to contribute or help.

It's the same at work. Plus at my work, since we work with students all day, it's different. I am friends with my students, but it's not the same. And it seems like my colleagues are too busy with their own students and their own families that it seems like they are not interested in being friends. And it's also "taboo" to be friends with a male colleague at BYU. So that makes it more difficult since all the male colleagues are buddy-buddy and I am not. I do like my job, but I miss having friends at work that I can eat lunch with and do stuff with and support each other through the boring and hard times at work and share the good times with.

Like on holidays we don't have a colleague party, or do anything for anyone's birthday, or go to lunch together or anything--unless it's for the students. Which is great, the students are important and that is who we are here to serve, but when I support students all day I need someone to support me too!

We have a lot of married friends from our singles ward that are in our same "life stage", and I don't know why it's so hard to get together to do stuff with them. We try, but most of the time it doesn't work out for some reason or another. Same with a lot of the single ones too. Plus we don't want our single friends to feel awkward hanging out with married people.

I just don't know what to do, but I don't want to be a misfit anymore. Is it normal to not have friends after you're married and I just need to get used to it? I realize I am a busy person with work and school and everything, but I still want to have friends and be a good friend. What am I doing wrong?

P.S. I don't want all my friends out there to feel like I don't consider them friends by this post. I still consider everyone friends, it's just a lot different and I'm just wondering how to handle it.

P.P.S. I am very thankful to be married to my best friend. And that is the best thing I could ever ask for.

9 comments:

Melissa D said...

unfortunatly....thats how it was for me too. In fact, I never felt fully excepted in a ward until I had Lily because of all the things you listed. And we were married over 6 years before we had a kid...so for many many years i felt the same way and really had no friends. It does stink. You can come over here anytime! I am home 24/7! And there is always Office Thursday which will start up again after the new year!

Melissa D said...

One more thought, now that Michael is married, him and Laura have become some of our best buddies. Even Ryan and Stacy too--but they live far away so its not the same.
Make this akward social time, a time to grow closer to your married family members! :)

Lively's said...

Welcome to life as a married adult! You're silly! Anyhoo I can't wait to see what you'll post about when you have kids! : )

The Graham Family! said...

Yeah... sounds like most people go thru this! I know it's still pretty much like this for us! Friendships are still different even with kids. Seems like most of the time you talk about your kids.. and not much else. I miss it too.. but what can ya do? I've been trying to figure out the same thing you are!! It's not much fun. It's hard because I have some single friends that will want to do a movie night or whatever and come over and watch movies.. but it's always nights that Ryan is home and I just want to spend time with him and I think that's hard for friends to understand. Life is just confusing sometimes! If you figure out a remedy to this situation... let me know! Haha

Christy said...

Melissa, I totally should come hang out with you guys! I've never been much of a TV fan, but if it involves having friends then I want to! We do try to hang out with our family, but that seems to be a challenge too for some reason. Am I really that boring?

Britni, I think that after I have kids I will still want to have friends. Friends have always been a big part of my life and I feel like I will always need friends.

Melissa D said...

oh Office Thursday is more about having a good dinner party! We each bring stuff and feast! :)

Maybe its easier for my family to hang out because we are not from UT and have no connections/life long friends-- other than family... I don't know!

I think its alot easier to have friends when you have kids...for me it was. So don't worry, things will work out. Just be pacient!

Leserlee said...

It doesn't neccessarily get better after you have kids either. I still feel like an outsider here. One thing that has helped is reaching out to new people when they move in. Even if you don't have much in common. And maybe with the lady you visit teach, you can offer to watch her kids some evening, with Matt, so her and her husband can go to the temple, or on a date or something. Just find ways to reach out, no matter how small they are. And the work situation...there's got to be some married students that you could reach out to. Or people that you or Matt have class with. Then, maybe if they are on campus you can get together for lunch. I don't know. Just find ways to get to know people a little better. I don't think you are boring at all!

Mystique Shepherd said...

This was way hard for me at first when Scott and I got married, but I think that Scott and I have found a good balance, the problem we face is we only have Sunday and Wednesay nights to do things, which doesn't work for some of our married or single friends, or the family most the time. I'm just grateful for cell phones, facebook, and blogs. I have just had to make an extra effort to communicate with my friends, read their blogs, and visit them. I would love to just go back to the time when you just went over to their houses, rang the doorbell and played all day, I hate being an adult...

Jonny said...

My cousin gave me the best advice ever: you have to date other couples. Invite a lot of different people over. A lot of times you're not both gonna like both other people. But, when you do, don't be afraid to keep "asking them out."