Missing out

We've been in California for nearly 6 months now. And I'm still struggling. Yes, it has gotten a little bit easier. And most of the bad things that kept happening the first few months have been resolved. But we are still struggling. A lot. And I'm frustrated about that. We really felt like moving here was our best option. I really thought that things would work out and we'd enjoy our time here.

We are trying to make the best of it. We're trying to take advantage of what Southern California has to offer. And some of it has been great. We've had some fun times. But I can't help but feel like we're missing out on a lot of things. And I hate that.

I hate that my kids are growing up without grandparents or cousins or even friends. It makes me sad to think about how they used to go out and play in the neighborhood with other kids and I knew they'd be safe. I hate that we live in a neighborhood with no kids. I miss seeing the neighbor kids riding bikes and scooters and playing and running around in their swimsuits through the sprinklers and eating popsicles on the porch. And I hate that our kids are missing out on having neighbor kids to play with. Even though we didn't have a ton of kids the same age as ours in our old neighborhood, I still miss seeing kids (or any people in general!) around the neighborhood. No one is ever home around here and when they are they just go inside and don't come out.

I hate not being part of family events or even knowing what's going on with our families. I feel like we're not even a part of anything anymore. That we're just forgotten. It makes me sad that Zach calls every male with grey hair "Bampa". It breaks my heart every time Emmy asks when she is going to get to see Rivers again. Or when we can go to the cabin. Or when she can play with her friend Avery.

And not only do I feel like my kids are missing out on having a decent childhood, I am so lonely. In the six months that we've been here, I think I've talked to another adult for more than a few minutes (besides Matt) maybe a total of 4 times. And it's killing Matt that he can't go to football games or talk about football with anyone around here because no one likes Utah football here. And he says that no one at work is very talkative.

I miss our old house. We've finally gotten most of the inside of our house fixed here, but it just doesn't quite feel like ours for some reason. And our yard is just depressing. We have been working on it for months and it's not getting any better. We don't even know how to fix it. It's so overwhelming. So the kids are missing out on having a decent backyard to play in too.

And I'm not getting much of a spiritual boost either because I spend church in the hall chasing Zach. And we haven't been good about going to the temple because of the kids either. I've been listening to conference talks most mornings during my jog, which has helped, but I feel like I need so much more.

I know I need to be better at reaching out to people and interacting with my kids since they don't have other kids to play with and spending more time working in the yard, but I just feel so overwhelmed by it all.

We are seriously hanging on by a thread. I hope someday we'll understand why we came here, but in the meantime, I hope we can figure out how to deal with all of this.