Tuesday, October 18, 2011


I have been in somewhat of a funk the last couple weeks that I can’t seem to get out of, and it’s really bugging me. I just want all these dumb worries and things that I am frustrated about and bad things to just go away.

I feel so unproductive and useless lately. I feel like I don’t do anything worthwhile or important. And I don’t know what to do that would be worthwhile or important. I really was hoping to get a part time job for a few hours a week as an adjunct professor just to teach one class, but so far that has not worked out. I hate that I keep getting rejected. I thought I had talents and skills that could be put to good use, but I guess not. I am really struggling to find something worthwhile to do part time that allows me to still be home with Emily most of the time. I know being a mom is a good thing, but I really want to do something else where I feel like I'm contributing. I’m sick of being so bored and useless and I need to interact with someone other than a one-year-old. When I quit my job almost a year ago, everyone said that a) I wouldn't regret it, and b) that being a mom was so fulfilling that I wouldn't even miss it. Well, I don't regret it, but I do miss it. Although I enjoy motherhood, why don't I feel completely fulfilled just by being a mom? Why do I feel like something is still missing? What is wrong with me?

I feel so lonely. I used to have lots of friends and I felt like I was an important part of their lives. I used to get invited to lots of things, and when I invited people to things they came and I think they had a good time. Maybe I’ve just gotten really lame, but no one seems to want to do anything with me anymore. I never get invited to anything, and when I try to host stuff, no one will come. I only really have one or two friends that even call me anymore to see how I’m doing or tell me about their life. Or that seem to be excited when I call them and seem to care about what's going on with me. I still care about my friends and want to be a part of their lives. I like being involved and knowing what’s going on, and I really could use someone to talk to. I guess if they have moved on to bigger and better things, then I should just accept it and stop trying to force myself into their new lives.

I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m not crafty and I don’t like to cook. It seems like that’s what everyone is into. All of our (non-Sunday) Relief Society meetings are always about making some type of craft or cooking, and that's what everyone seems to talk about. Why does that seem to be the ticket to being a successful stay-at-home mom? I pretty much suck at all things domestic. The things I thought I was good at, I'm apparently not anymore, and the things I enjoy require me to leave the house and have friends.

I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to get back to my previous fitness level. Or even close for that matter. I try to exercise but for some reason it is so much harder with Emily—both finding the time and the exercise itself. So I’m only getting in about 30 minutes of moderate intensity like 3 times a week, either jogging, elliptical, or biking. I need to do more than that. I’m frustrated that my clothes are still a little tight and I feel like I don’t look good in anything. It’s been over a year…I should fit back into my clothes comfortably by now. And I feel super ugly.

I feel like a terrible mother. I get so sick of reading stories, and it seems like that’s all Emily wants to do. We also go to the park almost every day and swing, but I have no ideas of other activities to do with her. I even looked for books at the library on stuff to do with one-year-olds, and they didn’t even have anything. They only had stuff for 3-year-olds and older. She doesn’t seem very interested in playing with her toys for very long. Or playing with other kids at all. Plus, she has gotten super grumpy and whiney lately, and I don’t know why or what to do about it and I am going crazy! I really don’t know what to do with her by myself all day long every day.

This whole move has been really stressful. Unexpected problems keep coming up. Like how the moving van was too small, or how only ONE friend out of all that we asked to help showed up (good thing we had a few family members to help), or how our stupid landlady charged us for a million things that were not our fault, or how the internet and TV didn't work for 10 days and we kept getting the runaround, or how our neighbors smoke so we can't open the windows, and how our other neighbors have a squeaky bed. I'd forgotten how it is to live in an apartment. It kind of feels like regression....almost like moving back home once you thought you'd moved out permanently.

And, I can’t seem to quit comparing myself to others…it’s hard hearing/reading about all the great stuff everyone else is doing, and I can’t help but feel sub-par and left out.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I’m sure I’ll get over my little pity party soon enough. In the meantime, I’ll try to be more positive and actually do something about all those things instead of just complain about them.


Hayley said...

christy, i know how you feel about friends. my (used to be, i have a hard time calling her this now) best friend is still single and she never initiates contact anymore. it used to make me really sad. downright mad. but then i remembered what it was like for me when all of my friends got married before me... you just kinda let go and move on. i've learned that she still wants us to be friends, but i have to start it. in fact, i think she needs it, she just doesn't feel right being the person to initiate anything. i think she worries that she'll get in the way. frustrating. and i've lived in my house for 7 years and still don't feel like i have friends in my ward. granted, i changed wards a lot. but we've been married for over 2 years. this is totally my own fault, people are friendly, i just don't go to activities and insert myself. i guess if you're not getting the results with the same ol' people - move on to new people and see if they're "in the same place" somewhere in life. maybe not on everything, but on something in your life.

about activities - this is hard. to me, a consistent nap is so much more important...but bingham creek library does a 0-2 reading group on thursday mornings & we go to it sometimes if mikey's up. and some days i just go wander target... just to get out of the house. dangerous though because i end up spending money.

i'm frustrated with weight, too. i'm so much fatter than i ever wanted to be & yet it is my fault i am where i am. i've been eating better (don't want to call it a diet) and exercising for almost a month and i've only lost about 4 pounds. not enough for all of this effort!

about being a typical "stay at home mom" - you're putting that on yourself. just do what you like to do. i read. a lot. i have no shame in it. when people ask me what my hobbies are, i list off ridiculous things like camel racing or mountain goat hunting. cause your hobbies don't define you. and that is an awkward question. regardless. don't feel ashamed if you're not crafty, or don't enjoy cooking... don't look at the negative side of things. exclaim proudly, "i really don't mind doing laundry!" or something... personally, i do like food. food other people prepares, food i prepare. probably because i'm a pig. :) there are days when i feel completely unproductive. hell, there are weeks that feel that way, but i am still just so dang thankful that i GET to do this, that i don't want to complain. sure, i'm frumpy, and spend way too much time in yoga pants... i used to rock being a 2nd grade teacher and i was a leader at my school - but the one thing that taught me that is applicable to my life now: no matter what, where i am (fat, dumb and happy) now is the most important place for me to be for mikey. you might feel a want for more, but your daughter is benefitting so much having you around.

last but not least, i know this is late notice but i just decided to throw garrett a birthday party friday night on monday. we're not friends on facebook, so i couldn't send you an invite. but you guys should come. 6:30 for munchies and cake at our house. wii games, talking - whatever. kids are welcome.

Blog Stalker said...

May I suggest to both of you a Mom's Group? Check this one out. It has been a total lifesaver for me. Momsclub.org
Check it out and see if they have a chapter in your area. Make the effort, go to some activities. You may meet some new friends and find some people that you have something in common with.

Hayley said...

christy, i'm sorry to take over the comments of your blog post, but i'm creeped out.

dear blog stalker - this is now the 2nd time you've left a comment. (once on my blog and now on another blog that i've commented on.) it creeps me out. your name. your anonymity... have the balls to identify yourself or go away. you are the exact reason why people go private! i don't need your 2 cents. and i don't need a mom's group, thank you very much. i was agreeing with some of christy's concerns, but quite honestly - aside from the size pants i wear, i wouldn't change a darn thing about my life.

Krista said...

Christy I have been feeling the same way lately! Just kind of stuck with where I'm at. I do love being a mom and being with Casen but the thought of waking up everyday to the same things-cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, errands to run--it's just hard to keep up the motivation. And as much as I do love being with Casen I can only take so much interaction with ONLY a 1 year old. I practically attack Aaron once he's home talking about anything and everything just to be able to have some conversation with another adult. Sorry I don't have any great advice. Just wanted to say I know how you feel and it's okay to rant once in a while. And now that you are closer maybe we could get together for play dates or something...

Blog Stalker said...

Hayley, Didn't mean to freak you out. I don't recall ever leaving a comment on your blog. I don't think I have ever even seen your blog. I can relate with her as well.

Christy said...

I'm glad there are a couple people that can relate. I don't mean to complain...I am so grateful I am able to be a mom and stay home with Em. When I was working full-time, it was so hard to be gone all day and try to juggle everything. But that was what was best for our family at the time.

I really believe in doing what's best for my family as a whole. I agree that naptimes are priority, so it makes it kind of hard to plan things. But I also think I would be a better mom and feel better about things if I had a few hours a week to do something different. I've never been much of a homebody so it would be nice to be able to get out once in awhile and do something that makes me feel useful and productive and challenged. I've thought about maybe working a shift at the temple each week...that might be good. I should look into it.

I do make an effort to make friends. I go to activities and invite people to do things. It's just frustrating when people don't come to things I host or when I go to things and people don't seem interested in branching out from their little cliques. But I know I could reach out more and keep trying. And I will.

And now that I am closer to the gym, I have worked out every day this week, and I started training for a 10K to do on Thanksgiving.

But if anyone has any suggestions of anything else I could do, I would appreciate it.